Another Parallel Universe
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: A Red Dwarf from a parallel universe vists our crew. Again, the other crew is allfemale. And with allfemale, I mean allfemale. Including a female cat. Will our Cat finally get lucky? [Oneshot, expect no sequel]


Disclaimer: All belongs to Grant and Naylor, and may they take good care of it.

Rating: Oh… I'd say a PG-13ish just to be safe, really.

Another Parallel Universe

"Dave, I know you said I shouldn't disturb you when you're watching a movie, but you really need to see this." Holly's head had popped up on the screen, looking worried.

Lister swallowed some popcorn. "No, it's all right Hol, I've seen that one too many times anyway. So, what's this amazing thing I need to see then?"

Holly's face was replaced with an image of Red Dwarf floating in space.

Lister shrugged. "It's Red Dwarf, what's so special about that."

Holly came back on. "It's not our Red Dwarf, that's what's so special," She said. "It appears to be from a parallel universe."

"Great, maybe Deb and the boys are coming for visit. It's been too long since I've seen them anyway." Lister started to get up to tell the others, when Holly stopped him.

"It's not that parallel Red Dwarf. It's a different one, but it is an all-female crew, except for their computer. Their original female computer has had a sex-change operation, just like I had a few years ago. They even have a female Kryten," Holly continued.

"Let's hope she doesn't turn into a green blob like Camille then," Lister said, getting up again. "Anything else?"

Holly shook her head. "No, not at the moment. Shall I invite them over then? They've requested permission to come aboard."

"Yeah, sure, go ahead. Just show 'em to the cantina, we'll be right down." Lister walked out, and tried to think of a way to tell the others. Another all-female crew. He'd have to remember not to get too drunk this time, he still had the scars from the caesarean. Kryten would probably get along with the female version of himself, and if Rimmer got himself into any problems, he could take care of himself. As for Cat, Holly had said an all-female crew. No mention of dogs whatsoever. Still, he didn't want to get Cat's hopes up again, he was so disappointed and frustrated last time.

Despite Lister's attempts, Cat had gotten his hopes up. He had managed to fit Emergency Preening Time, Emergency Beauty Nap and Emergency Change-of-clothes into only six hours, which was positively rushed by Cat's standard. He was practising Charming Smiles in his hand mirror while waiting with the others.

"I really don't see what could possibly take them that long," Kryten said, looking worried. "They were two hours away at most, and it doesn't take four hours to get here from the landing bay."

"Maybe Holly got them lost," Rimmer added, slightly hopeful. He remembered what had happened last time all too well. If this woman tried to stick her tongue down his ear, he'd damn well... hide again. He sighed. It had been quite embarrassing, especially since she had managed to find him. Good thing Dog had wandered by looking for someone to play fetch with, or he wouldn't have escaped with his trousers on.

"If their Cat is anything like ours, it's not that big a surprise," Lister said. "Especially since women are usually vainer than men." He was fumbling with his hat, bored from the long wait.

Suddenly, Cat stopped smiling to himself in the mirror, and sat up straight. "I smell... I smell... Yaaooow!" He bolted out of his chair and ran through the doorway.

Lister looked at the others. "I think they have arrived. Let's go after him before something bad happens."

Something bad, or good depending from your point of view, would certainly have happened if it weren't for the female Rimmer, Lister and Kryten. "Hold him back, Rimmer! We're not having this on the corridor floor!" Deb shouted, helping the female Kryten to hold their Cat back.

"Let me at him! Look at him!" The female Cat pleaded, whilst fluttering her eyelashes at Cat, who in turn tried to climb Rimmer.

"I'm not going to hold him much longer," She grunted. "Take her away, I told you we shouldn't have brought her up here!"

"It's why we came here in the first place, Rimmer, just try, will ya?" Lister replied, still struggling with Cat.

"Cat? Are you here, man? Why d'you run off like that?" Lister's shouting stopped when he saw what was happening. The female crew were trying to keep the two Cats separated, which wasn't going very well from the looks of it. "Guys! Hurry up, they need help!" Lister didn't wait for the others, but started dragging their Cat off the female Rimmer.

Rimmer and Kryten couldn't believe their eyes either, but helped as well. It took the combined crew some struggling, but they managed to keep the two Cats separate from each other whilst walking to the cantina.

The crews had decided that, cruel as it was, it would be handiest if they tied the Cats to two chairs, as fair away from each other as possible. It was still difficult to have a conversation, since both yowled at each other whilst trying to move the chair. This problem was partly solved by gagging them as well.

"I never thought we'd get them to calm down," Deb said, drinking her beer.

"They're probably gathering their strength," Arnold guessed, looking back and forth between them.

"Either way, let's get down to business. Why are you here?" Dave asked.

Deb sighed. "I'm sorry we didn't give you a proper warning. We should've taken precautions, but we were just so busy with her that well, we didn't."

"So what's wrong with your Cat?" Dave emptied his beer can. "I've never seen anything acting like that."

Kryten, the male Kryten, chuckled. "Sir, I thought it was rather obvious. Miss Cat is in heat and looking for a mate."

Arlene nodded. "He's right. You are so lucky to have a male Cat. Ours gets in heat once every year or so, whereas normal, pre-evolved cats are every month."

"I am so glad that evolution changed the heat cycle," Deb added, shaking her head.

"Indeed. Now we suffer from a yowling maniac who rubs herself against every object only once a year!" Arlene exclaimed, folding her arms. She looked back at Arnold and Dave. "Like Deb said, evolution has changed the heat cycle. There's more time between being in heat, but it also lasts longer, about two to three weeks. She's unbearable during that time. We've tried everything, locking her up, putting her in Deep Sleep, feeding her suppression pills, nothing works!"

"Why wouldn't Deep Sleep work, ma'am?" Kryten asked. "The body sleeps during heat, and when wakes up, all is back to normal."

"It takes a lot of time getting someone in and out of Deep Sleep," Deb explained. "Besides, it's not designed for short periods of time like three weeks, it might get destroyed if we do that too often."

"Instead, we opted for something easier," The female Kryten said. "Ever since our Holly has invented the Holly Hop-drive, we use it to visit parallel universes with a male Cat and let them have intercourse. She's no longer in heat, and I don't have to clean the corridors as often."

Dave was astounded. "So, just because she gets a weird mood every year, you guys go and force her to get pregnant? What d'you do with the kitten, bring 'em to the Universal Pound? Tie 'em to some rogue asteroid? Or are you from a dimension where the males get pregnant? 'Cause I'm not having little baby cats running around the ship, one is enough."

"Male pregnancy?" Deb asked, astounded. "But... that's impossible!" She looked at the other two. "Did one of you get pregnant? How?"

"Long story," Lister muttered, not wanting to get into it.

Deb looked at him suspiciously, but reassured him. "Trust me, we would've done something else if she kept getting pregnant. Kryten, you explain it to him, I'm going to check on the ropes."

"Certainly, ma'am," Kryten nodded as Deb got up to take care of the ropes. "Believe it or not, human contraception methods work on her. We discovered this when we were still trying the suppression pills. I don't know how familiar you are with female contraception, but there's a pill that changes the..."

Dave held up his hand. "I don't want to know how it works, as long as it works." There were some things men shouldn't know, and how female contraception worked was one of them. "So how do you normally do this then?"

Arlene shrugged. "Well, normally we just get both of them into some empty quarters and let them sort it out."

"Perfectly sensible idea," Arnold nodded. He wanted to have as little to do with the Cat's love life as possible.

Dave looked at the two. "Oi, I don't know what your idea of romance is, but mine's different from 'shoving two people in one room and seeing what happens'!"

"What did you have planned then, Lister? A movie with a romantic candle-lit dinner afterwards?" Arnold snorted and shook his head.

"Well yeah, why not? At least let them get to know each other before they rip each other's clothes off," Dave said. He wanted to make something special of it, knowing it was Cat's first time with a female Cat. It should be memorable, with someone Cat would care about.

"Why? He already knows all he needs to know about her," Arlene counted on her fingers. "One, she's female and two, she's willing."

Dave looked at the two Krytens. "Don't look at me, sir, I know nothing of the mating habits of Cats," The male Kryten said, apologetically.

"So far, locking them up in one room has always worked," The other Kryten said. "But I'm not the one to settle this."

Deb returned from checking the ropes. "I heard arguing, what's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, he just wants them to have a nice romantic evening," Arlene sneered at Dave.

Deb grinned. "See? Told ya someone would see it my way." She looked at Dave. "Rimmer just doesn't have any romance in her. I bet yours is like that as well. So, what d'ya say we join forces and give Cat and Cat something to remember?"

"You're on!" Dave grinned, and shook hands with his female opposite.

To make a long story short, the Cats had different ideas of romance than the Listers. They tried, they really did. The two had chosen a romantic movie for the Cats to watch – Titanic. A story of a doomed love between the lower class John and the higher class Juliette aboard the space ship Titanic and its crash against a rogue asteroid. – and they had prepared a romantic meal with the help of the two Krytens. They had made a fish soup, followed by a chicken rice casserole and a sorbet for dessert.

Dave and Deb were quite proud of their preparations, and it was too bad the Cats didn't appreciate it. They had tried to put them next to each other in the cinema, but before Dave and Deb could leave, the couple were all over each other again. The only solution seemed to be tying them down to the chairs and forcing them to watch the movie, and as Arlene had told them, that wasn't romantic at all unless they were into that kind of thing.

So the Listers and the Krytens had decided to go with the normal plan and just put Cat and Cat in one room, and wait for the results. Still, it wouldn't do to let the food go to waste, so now Dave and Deb were watching Titanic, whilst eating the chicken rice casserole.

"It's quite amazing, when you think about it," Deb said, suddenly.

"Hmm?" He might not have a lot of manners, but even Dave knew that sometimes it was better to keep your mouth shut when eating.

"I mean, we all know the story, right? Space-ship crashes into asteroid, most people die tragically. And the love story is completely predictable. Yet somehow millions paid good money to watch this. And I was among them."

Dave shrugged. "I guess we just like a good story, familiar or not. I mean, we watch movies and read books that we've already watched or read before and we still enjoy. It's the same thing, really."

"Point taken. Oh look, he's all dressed up to have dinner with her now." Deb pointed at the screen. "I preferred him without that suit and the slicked back hair. Too neat, too tidy. It's just not him."

"Juliette doesn't seem to mind though," Dave commented. Kryten really had to make this casserole more often, it was delicious. Perhaps add some curry powder to it, and it would be perfect.

"She's an upper class bint who's head over heels in love, she wouldn't mind if he showed up wearing a trash bag," Deb muttered.

"Just wondering, how long does it usually take erm, your Cat to, you know?" Dave asked, embarrassed. He wanted to know how long the women would be on board. It was nice to talk to a woman again, for a change. And this Deb was different from the other. More mature and less prone to do tricks with beer to impress him. Maybe it meant that he had matured over the years as well, since she was his exact opposite. Plus, the lack of beer meant they were unlikely to do something incredibly stupid, like end up in bed together and get pregnant.

"Oh, no longer than a few hours. Six at most," Deb said, watching the screen intently.

"Six? I thought Cat relationships didn't last that long." He remembered Cat saying that 'relationship' as a word didn't even exist in Cat society.

"Relationships don't, but as for the actual act, well, apparently they like to take their time," Deb explained. "What? I don't know more than that, and I don't want to know more than that. I know you guys discuss your sex-life openly, but we're just not like that."

"Hey, fine. And for your information, we don't discuss our sex-lives openly either." He didn't add that it was because he really didn't want to know anything about Rimmer that might make him vomit, and because there was no sex-life to discuss.

The first few minutes between the two Rimmers after they had been left alone had been tense. Arlene was drumming her fingers on the table, whilst Arnold was alternatively keeping an eye on her and on the nearest exit, ready to bolt if she made a sudden move for his ear.

"Why do you keep looking at the door?" She eventually asked.

He was startled. "Erm… just checking if Lister and Lister have returned from their planning."

"Hm-mm." She continued to drum. "They said they wouldn't come back here. Dave said you had encountered female opposites before. What were they like?"

"Oh, er, female," He said. "Quite different from you, actually. She came from a society where everything was female-orientated, don't know if you are."

Arlene shook her head. "No, as far as the Hollys can tell, our histories are very much alike."

Arnold gave a sigh of relief. "Good. Because the other female opposite gave me a bit of a scare." He didn't know why, but he felt more at ease with this female now that he knew she wasn't like the other one. After all, she was him, except for some biological differences.

Arlene raised an eyebrow. "Scare? Well, can't say the other male Rimmers haven't had their own, well, quirks. Some of them were quite sick in the head." She pulled a disgusted face. "Which, considering they're my opposites probably says quite a lot about me as well," She sighed. "Deb always has normal opposites. Well, relatively normal. I don't know why I always get the ones who're ready for the loony-bin." She looked at Arnold. "Er, nothing personal. Like I said, you're one of the more normal Rimmers so far."

Arnold shrugged. He was used to being called insane, and maybe he was. "None taken. The Rimmers I've met were all annoying idiots as well. Have you ever come across Ace? Test pilot for the Space Corps, or so he claims. Wouldn't be surprised if he stole a ship to cross dimensions because the police were after him."

"Ace… No, haven't met him. We have met Mace though." She glared at her coffee cup. "Smuggest git I've ever come across. You should've seen the way the others behaved, it was disgusting."

"You probably met Ace's female opposite. Imagine the two of them in one room."

"Clash of the egos," Arlene agreed.

Arnold smiled and raised his plastic coffee cup. "How about a toast? To two Rimmers who can actually get along."

Arlene grinned and they toasted. "How about a game of Risk to celebrate? I haven't played a good game in ages!"

A game of Risk against a worthy opponent, Arnold had almost given up hope on that. A game against another skilled player, a version of himself even, now that was a true challenge. "How could I refuse? May the best Rimmer win." They shook hands, and went to get the game.

Dave and Deb had made a last-ditch effort at romance. They had given Cat and Cat the best quarters on the ship, and had lit some candles. Neither Cat really cared about this, as candles were unimportant compared to getting out of clothes as soon as possible. Cat, the male Cat, had to admit to himself that he had been nervous. Sure, his cat instinct told him to pounce and take action, but his more civilised part had wanted to hang back and see what she did.

Then he heard she had more experience than he had. That had made him even more nervous. What if he was no good? His Cat instinct told him that was nonsense. He was Cat. He was good at everything, especially pleasing the ladies.

It turned out that he was quite good at pleasing the ladies, or at least one lady in particular. She didn't seem to have any complaints whatsoever, but encouraged him with enthousiastic yowls instead. Cat had been nervous for nothing. This was good. This was easy. This was… bliss.

Dave looked at Deb, who shrugged. It had been six and a half hours now, and the mating should be done. Their Cat would no longer be a virgin, and the other Cat would be out of heat, according to the female Kryten. "Shall we check?" He knocked on the door and waited for someone to open it.

Cat answered with a big and rather smug grin. "Hello, hello," He said, still smiling and wearing a white sheet wrapped around himself.

Dave peered over Cat's shoulder. The female Cat was still in the bunk, wrapped in the covers. She gave Dave a small wave. "So, er, did everything go according to plan then?"

"Buddy, it went sensational! I heartily recommend this 'sex' thing to everybody!" Cat continued to grin happily.

"That's, that's good," Dave replied. Looks like Cat had a first time he would remember forever, just like Dave had wanted.

Deb peered around the door, checking on her Cat. "So, Cat, ready to go? We can't hang around here forever, y'know. We've got our own universe to go to."

"I'll just get cleaned up and dressed!" The female Cat replied, also smiling.

"Great, that'll probably take another couple of hours," Deb sighed. "It's always the same."

"How 'bout another movie? We've got a couple of hours to kill," Dave suggested.

"Alright, how about 'It's A Wonderful Life'? It's my favourite," Deb said, leaving the two Cats alone.

Dave trailed after her. "What d'ya know, it's my favourite too," He said, grinning at her.

The two crews met up in the landing bay, to say their goodbyes. "You're a cheating smeggin filthy liar!" Arnold yelled at his female counterpart.

Arlene snorted in disgust. "Says you! I saw you switch those dice, meladdo, don't think I didn't notice!"

"Hah! You didn't notice anything! You were too busy trading the cards in your hand with the one the pile!"

"I told you, I was shuffling them!"

"From the pile and into your hand!"

Deb and Dave exchanged weary looks, whilst the two Rimmers continued their argument. "It's always like this, isn't?" Deb commented.

Dave nodded. "He never gets along with himself, never. Not with an exact copy, not with a female opposite, not with his future self, and not with male alternates."

"I'm happy to say, sir and ma'am, that Miss Kryten and I got along famously," Kryten said, smiling.

"Really? What did you do?" Dave asked. He hadn't seen either of the two Krytens ever since they were done with their part of the preparations for the two Cats.

"We watched episodes of Androids. It's more fun to watch it with another fan than to watch it alone," The female Kryten said.

"Oi, I've watched Androids with you," Deb said, sounding a bit insulted.

"Yes, yes, I know Miss Lister, but it's different. Only another android can really understand what makes Androids so wonderful," The female Kryten said, with the male Kryten nodding in agreement.

"It's just not the same, sir," He added.

"Well, if you say so," Dave replied. Just then, the two Cats came up, talking amiably to each other.

"If you're ever in heat again, you know where to find me!" Cat told the female Cat.

She grinned in reply. "Thanks for the offer, I'll keep it in mind."

"Alright, all aboard!" Deb commanded, and climbed aboard Starbug. She gave the male crew a wave. "Thanks for everything! Kryten, you're a great cook!"

"You're quite welcome, ma'am," Kryten replied, as Deb entered the craft.

The female Rimmer just gave them a half-hearted wave and sneered at Rimmer, who sneered right back. The female Kryten pushed her in, before any more arguments could happen.

The female Cat still stood outside the craft. "Well, I guess this is goodbye then," She said, sounding a bit sad.

"Guess so," Cat replied, not quite sure what to say.

"Maybe I'll see you again some day," She said, and have him a peck on the cheek before boarding Starbug.

The crew went back to the safety of the living quarters, Cat still beaming over his recent conquest. "So, Cat… I thought you said Cat relationships didn't last very long?" Lister asked.

"Well, if she can't say no to a man like me, and I can't say no to a woman like her, why not?" Cat said.

"Perhaps the influence of other humans has made their Cat and our Cat more human, sir," Kryten suggested. "After all, he has become more human in other areas."

Lister nodded. "Good point. I could definitely see a change in Deb, which means there must've been a change in me as well. Good thing too, don't fancy going through another skutter caesarean again."

"Well, she certainly hasn't changed one bit. Still the same cheating, lying goit she always was," Rimmer muttered, annoyed.

Lister just smirked at that comment. Although Rimmer had changed as much as any of them in the last few years, it would still take a lot of time before Rimmer would actually like himself.


End file.
